


Quiet the Noise

by Muuze



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23068909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muuze/pseuds/Muuze
Summary: Everything was so loud.Whenever you hear the word deaf you think that it means that they can’t hear anything. That it’s just complete silence.Ben just wants a moment of quiet.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 7
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

Everything was so loud.

Whenever you hear the word deaf you think that it means that they can’t hear anything. That it’s just complete silence. 

Except that it’s not like that.

It’s hearing muffled noises and the odd sound that you think is a word. Was that cold? Old? Don’t? 

It’s people shouting and the grating noise getting louder in your head. Raising voices doesn’t help. It’s not like if you reach a loud enough volume he’ll suddenly be able to hear it. It just makes the static and the ringing in his ears louder.

He hates it. 

Why couldn’t he just have the silence? The complete, blissful nothingness that would at least mean his headache would go away.

But instead he has the sound of his own heartbeat echoing through his head if he thinks about it too much. 

He knows he’s being rude and unhelpful to those around him- Lola, Lexi, Jay, hell even Callum. He can’t help it. He’s trying to deal with everything whilst a never-ending headaches pounds away inside his skull.

Jay tells him to stop moping about. Like it’s that easy.

Part of him feels like he should be used to it. He’s been partially deaf and he always ignored that little voice that was like _what if one day you wake up and can’t hear anything at all?_ He took it for granted. 

Whenever he thought about the possibility of losing his hearing he always thought he’d have more of a warning. A gradual slow decline. 

Not a sudden hit to the head that just leaves him with this horrible muffled version. 

Lexi drags him outside for a walk and he thinks maybe some fresh air will help clear his head. That’s what people say, isn’t it? Fresh air will clear your head, clear your mind. It’s worth a shot.

He didn’t think he’d have to talk to anyone. He foolishly thought Lexi would be like a barrier- I’m spending time with my daughter, don’t talk to me.

That was clearly too much to ask for when someone is pounding on the car lot and shouting about something he just can’t quite make out. Everything happens so fast and _please, why doesn’t this noise just stop?!_

So he walks away. And Lexi. Lexi tries to stick up for him because she’s brave like that, and she would always have his back. 

When he turns back around to see where she is and sees that she’s been hit by a car his heart shatters. 

He hadn’t been doing anything wrong. They were just going for a walk. Why can’t he just take his daughter for a walk? But instead he put her in danger. 

Luckily she’s fine, but that doesn’t ease his guilt. 

Lola says she isn’t angry but it doesn’t make him feel any better. She might not be angry, but he is. He’s so mad at himself for not being able to protect his daughter. That’s what parents were supposed to do. 

They’d been lucky this time, but what if she had been seriously hurt? He would never forgive himself. 

He knows he’s still in a mood when Lexi asks if they can all watch a movie, but he can’t bring himself out of it. So he doesn’t say no. 

He doesn’t point out the fact that its harder to lip read in the dark. He’s just so exhausted. He’s tired of not being able to hear. He’s tired of being a burden, of everyone having to speak clearly and make sure he can understand. 

He’s tired of _himself._

He’s barely paying attention to the movie as the ringing gets louder. He just concentrates on trying not to grimace when a particularly loud noise comes from the tv. 

When the movie is over and its Lexi’s bedtime, she just grabs his hand and drags him along. He knows even without her asking for it that she wants more of her story. 

This he can do. He doesn’t need to hear himself to continue making something up. All he needs is the smile on her face before she drifts off to sleep. At least he can still manage that. 

He doesn’t go back downstairs. It’s still fairly early and he knows he should go back down and join the others but he just can’t bring himself to do it. 

The pounding, whining noise in his head just seems to get louder and he just wants to make it _stop._

He tries to be quiet as he makes his way to the bathroom and that’s just another thing to add to his list of things he didn’t realise would be like this. Did he manage to dodge the patch of floor that always squeaks when you stand on it? Did he even know where that bit was before? 

Is he opening the door too loudly? 

Standing in front of the mirror the face staring back at him just looks tired. Maybe it will be better if he can get the noise to stop.

He opens the cabinet and grabs a glass of water and the bottle of headache pills. Ever since Lexi was big enough to stand they transferred all of their tablets into child proof bottles. It was probably being a little too overprotective but he would rather that than her accidentally getting to any tablets. 

He opens the bottle and shakes two out onto his palm before swallowing them with a mouthful of water. His reflection just stares back at him. 

His heart is pounding in his ears so he sits on the floor leaning against the bathtub and just tries to take a few calming breaths. Its fine. He’s fine, everyones fine. He just needs to sit for a moment so the noise can just settle down and maybe, _finally,_ quieten. 

It might have been five minutes or thirty minutes that he just sits there, but nothing happens. 

He looks at the bottle of tablets. Maybe the meds just haven’t kicked in yet. Or maybe he needed a stronger dose, since it was a stronger headache than he was used to.

Opening the bottle he tips the tablets out onto the floor next to him. 

There’s quite a few there but thats fine. He only needs a few more.

He grabs another two and swallows them dry, chasing them down with a mouthful of water.

There. That should help. It had to help, because it was starting to hurt to think. How did anyone cope with a constant migraine? It was unbearable. 

More time passes. 

He can still hear his heartbeat in his ears and the static noise remains. It’s hard to tell if the medicine is working or not. Was it louder before? Has it taken the edge off?

He picks up the tablets and just holds them in the palm of his hand. A part of him is vaguely aware that if he takes more tablets then he could end up silencing the noise permanently, but that would also mean that he wouldn’t be alive. 

So he’s not going to do that.

But it helps, a little, just looking down at the tablets and thinking that that option is there. Just in case. Not that he would ever use it, though. 

When the bathroom door opens he jumps. He drops a few of the tablets and that was only because he hadn’t expected the door to suddenly open. 

He really didn’t expect to see Callum standing there either. 

Callum looks really worried and for a second he thinks something has happened to Lexi. Was the accident earlier more serious than they realised? 

But then he sees Callum looking at him, at the pill bottle on the floor and the pills in his hands. Okay, so maybe it looked worse than it was. 

Callum steps into the bathroom and closes the door behind him, slowly moving closer to Ben as if he was a wild animal he was trying not to spook. He settles down on the floor in front of him, and says something.

He isn’t shouting, which is a good sign. He wouldn’t want Lexi to wake up.

Ben still can’t make out what it is he said, though. He has a vague idea. “How many?” he asks, repeating the question he thinks Callum has asked. 

It wasn’t quite right though, as Callum frowns a little, but nods. 

“How…many…have—- taken? Ben?” He looks like he wants to reach for the tablets but he hesitates. 

Ben just closes his fist so he doesn’t drop any more. 

He looks down to try and find the bottle so he misses when Callum speaks again. He knows he did though, as he heard a vague noise. 

Callum grabs his arm and shakes him, trying to get his attention. 

He brings his head up and lets his eyes focus on Callum’s eyes then down to his lips briefly before looking back at his eyes. 

Why does everyone just assume that he can lip read? He’s not an expert at it, but he tries. It’s easier for everyone else if he can but its not something that he can magically pick up and be perfect at. It’s a lot of trial and error. 

And honestly? Sometimes he can’t be bothered with the effort. Like right now. 

Callum makes another noise, maybe he says something else, but Ben has no idea what it is. He isn’t even getting any vague sounds through.

He’s not making it any easier and finally Callum just gives up, and instead puts his phone in front of Ben’s face.

It’s open on the note app and finally, he’s trying to communicate in a way that doesn’t leave Ben struggling or guessing. 

_How many pills have you taken? This is serious. Do I need to call an ambulance? Talk to me._

For a second he almost laughs, and he can’t quite help the huff of amusement that escapes. Right. This is serious. Callum thinks he’s trying to kill himself. 

Wary that he doesn’t have his usual judgement of how loudly he’s speaking, he tries to keep his voice down as he replies.

“Do you think I’m tryna off myself? Do you really think I’d do that in the house, with Lexi just down the hall?!” 

Callum doesn’t look convinced though. He just keeps looking at the pills that you still haven’t let go of. He takes the phone back and tries again. 

_Ben. How many pills have you taken? Just tell me and then we can sort this out. Or do you want me to get Lola or Jay?_

He reads the message and closes his eyes. He just wants the pounding headache to stop. “Just four. It’s not helping though” he finally answers, unclenching his fingers and looking down at the tablets as if he’s considering taking a few more. 

What? It’s not like the four have done anything. Maybe…

Callum closes his hand over Ben’s. Almost like he’s trying to hold his hand, but in reality he’s covering the pills. 

He doesn’t try and fight it when Callum takes the rest of the pills and puts them back in the bottle. Instead he brings his hands up to cover his ears.

“I just want the noise to stop. My head’s pounding” 

Callum doesn’t say or write anything else and he’s so grateful. He doesn’t want a lecture right now. He feels fragile, and if Callum starts having a go at him he will end up saying something he regrets in retaliation. 

He lashes out when he’s scared. He’d rather push Callum away then admit how scared he is of this whole mess. 

He watches Callum get to his feet and he has to stop himself from asking him to stay. _Don’t leave me here, it’s not my fault, please just stay._

Except Callum isn’t leaving. He’s holding his hand out to Ben and helping him up from the floor. He doesn’t see what Callum does with the pills but it’s probably for the best. He really shouldn’t take any more today anyway, no matter how tempted he is.

So instead he just lets Callum link their fingers together and lead him towards his room. 

He’s waiting for Callum to say something. He thinks he might when he gets to his bedroom and the door is closed behind them. 

But still Callum doesn’t say a word. He just keeps an eye on Ben as he takes off his own hoodie and discards it on the floor. 

He raises an eyebrow as he slowly reaches towards Ben, his way of asking if it’s okay as his hands go for Ben’s shirt. It’s so familiar and easy that he feels himself relax a little. Callum knows him even without words. 

He hesitates before he nods. He isn’t really in the mood for sex, but at the same time he doesn’t want Callum to leave. 

Soon he finds himself undressed down to his boxers, and Callum is in the same state of undress. But he doesn’t try to kiss him, he just guides Ben towards the bed. Once Ben lays down Callum makes himself comfortable behind him and throws an arm across his waist. 

He’s not facing Ben. If he wanted to talk then they would at least have to be facing each other. There’s no sign of his mobile either, so Ben lets himself relax into Callum’s grip. 

He’s not forcing him to talk about it. He doesn’t expect anything from him. 

Maybe that’s why Ben talks. Not because anyone is asking him to or expecting him to. Callum doesn’t want anything from him and its just such a nice feeling that he finds the words tumbling from his mouth.

“It’s not like I thought it’d be, y’know? It’s not just silent. There’s this whining noise…and my head is pounding” he lets his eyes drift shut as he talks and Callum rubs circles into his arm.

“What if…what if it had been worse today and Lexi had been seriously hurt? I couldn’t forgive myself. If the operation doesn’t work and I…I can’t hear her again, or you…I just” he cuts himself off. He doesn’t want to think about it and yet it seems to be all he can think about. 

Callum just pulls him closer. He stops tracing circles on Ben’s arm and instead moves to the back of his hand. At first Ben didn’t realise what he was doing, but when Callum keeps tracing the same path he works it out.

He’s tracing hearts into the back of his hand. 

He feels tears well up in his eyes and he’s glad Callum can’t see. He can probably hear the hitching of his breath and tell that he’s getting emotional, but its fine. He doesn’t say anything, and Ben doesn’t either. 

He breathes out, blinking a few times to dislodge the tears, and then he settles in. 

He might not be able to hear but he can still feel. 

Closing his eyes once more, he lets himself believe he can have this.


	2. Chapter 2

It was getting worse.

The ringing was getting louder and it was harder to ignore.

He tried ignoring it but he couldn’t escape it. He kept trying to tell himself and Callum that once he had the operation, it’d be fine. He’d be able to hear again so he didn’t need to worry about it now.

But that was a very big _if_ , and thinking about it scared him. He knew there were risks. He often woke himself up in the middle of the night worrying about it. _What if he went deaf? What if the ringing noise never went away? What if this killed him?_

So he just moped about in a daze.

He was still pushing everyone away but he didn’t even want to be around himself, so why should anyone else have to be?!

Some days he doesn’t even bother to try and read lips. What was the point?

The more he ignored it the more he thought about just. Switching off for a while.

Things happen that blur into one. Trying to hide the fact that he’s deaf from old associates. Callum showing up to try help.

Ending up in a pub drinking a pint, not really knowing how he got there.

Someone sits across from him and starts talking and he makes no attempt to listen. He’s not interested.

When a hand appears on his leg above his knee, he knows what this guy wants. He looks up to see an older gentleman smirking at him like the fact that he finally has Ben’s attention means he’s agreeing to something.

No way. Not anymore.

Not even the alcohol is enough to drown out the ringing though.

He spots the man’s car keys on the table and just thinks _fuck it._

“Why don’t you go settle the bill?”

The man takes the bait and goes to the bar so he grabs the keys.

Joyriding in a stolen car is a nice distraction from the ringing. It gives him something to focus on so he doesn’t have to _think_ any more. It’s nice.

Until the police show up. He doesn’t need to read their lips to know that he’s under arrest.

The police station is a blur.

He doesn’t recall it because he doesn’t _care_ , and that’s worrying.

He can pinpoint a time when he was feeling like this before and it was after Paul died. It was the guilt that was getting to him and he spent weeks feeling like _what’s the point?_

It’s worse this time though.

This time he gets closer every day to thinking about taking a handful of pills and ending it all. He thinks about just going away somewhere and hiding himself away.

He can’t ask for help because he just doesn’t know how and he wouldn’t even know where to start.

Jack lectures him at the station. He expects to end up back in jail, and on the drive to the police station he actually thinks that he deserves it.

If he goes to jail and gets himself killed then at least no one could blame him for it.

There would be enough people in jail that have a grudge against the Mitchell name that he wouldn’t even have to provoke anyone.

It would be so easy.

Except that doesn’t happen. Instead Jack is offering to drive him home and Ben deflates a little.

No easy way out then.

He can hear his heart pounding in his chest and the muffled noises of Jack talking. It could be to him or it could be on the phone for all he knows.

The headache he’s been ignoring for days makes itself known. Since the…incident the other day when Callum found him on the bathroom floor, he hasn’t taken any pills. There hasn’t been any in the bathroom cabinet and he feels like a child having to ask for medicine.

So he does what he does best and ignores it. Ignores everything.

He lets Jack follow him indoors and shout at him.

He deserves it.

Whatever he’s saying is probably true, but it’s also probably not as bad as anything that Ben is thinking about himself right now.

_He’s stupid, he’s useless, he deserves this. This is what happens when you’re bad- when you’re a Mitchell. This is payback for every little thing he’s ever done._

He only really notices when Jack leaves because the static _wrong_ noise starts to dim. Shouting feels like someone is taking knives to his ears and trying to slice him apart.

For how much it hurts he feels like it’s not fair that he doesn’t have any wounds. He can’t just show someone the cut and say _see? You see this gaping wound? It hurts!_

There’s nothing to see so he must be fine.

He should be used to it by now. Over it.

But how the hell do you get over something that never stops?

He’s thinking about going upstairs and just hiding under the covers when the door opens and Callum walks in.

Callum.

He doesn’t want to say he forgot about Callum because that would be a lie. He know’s he’s been ignoring him and making him worry. He’s basically been a shitty boyfriend and Callum has every right to call him out for it.

“Do your worst”

He says it but he doesn’t mean it. He can’t possibly handle Callum’s worst right now but he needs to say something so that Callum can yell at him. Get it out of his system. And then, maybe, leave Ben to think about what he’s done.

So although he doesn’t want it he needs it. Needs this to be over with so he can curl up under the covers and just _try_ to quieten everything down again. But he can’t admit that. He can’t admit that he just. Needs a moment.

But Callum’s worst isn’t a shout, it’s practically a whisper. That’s how he knows it’s bad.

Whenever Callum is mad he will shout. He can’t seem to help it. Even if he only gets just a little way in to his rant before he sees Ben’s cringing expression and he stops and lowers his voice because he’s considerate like that.

This time something is different. Callum looks defeated before he even speaks, and Ben can feel his heartbeat start to quicken. _Thump thump thump_. The noise joins the ringing in his head as he becomes more aware of it.

“I can’t do this any more”

He doesn’t quite catch what Callum says, but it’s enough to get the gist of it. The look on his face helps- utter devastation. He looks like he’s given up.

And then he turns to leave and no, this is all wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen.

Ben should leave. Ben is the one that should get out because he’s ruined everything. Again.

“What? W-w…wait, wa- wait” he’s trying not to raise his own voice and make the ringing worse, but he will if it means Callum stops walking out the door.

Callum’s talking too quickly for him to follow and he knows, but he also doesn’t care. He’s angry, and upset, and Ben feels horrible for making him feel this way.

He wants to answer, to try and explain himself, but he doesn’t know where to start. How can he explain himself when he doesn’t know what Callum has said?

He know’s he’s been selfish though. He hasn’t treated Callum right because he hasn’t been thinking. He’s been on a path of self destruction and has completely forgot about his support system he has. Callum, Lola, Jay, even Lexi. He has people that cares about him but it’s like he can’t think straight.

Everything hurts all the time and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

He keeps apologising. Sorry just tumbles from his lips and he can’t keep it back. It’s not enough. It won’t ever be enough but it’s all he has.

Callum keeps shouting and he can’t. He can’t take it.

He knows he deserves it and he should just stand there whilst Callum shouts at him but he can’t.

He has to put his hands over his ears to try and block it out. Maybe if he presses hard enough he can stop all sounds from making their way into his ears.

Maybe it’ll stop the ringing.

But it doesn’t work and it never does.

He’s not sure if he’s crying about the fact that he’s going to lose Callum or for how much his head hurts.

He just keeps apologising as he tries to get it under control. He needs maybe a few hours in a dark room and maybe some tablets and a cool glass of water to try and get it to a manageable level.

That’s never an option though. The house is always noisy with people coming and going. Life goes on, and he doesn’t get a break just because he has a pounding headache.

He’ll keep apologising though. He knows Callum has left. He wouldn’t blame him.

He doesn’t want to deal with the hassle any more so he will just leave Ben with his apologies and the pounding in his head.

It just. Won’t. Stop.

He’s thinking about just giving up, just sliding to the floor and trying to block out the noise. He’s not sure his legs will support him any more.

He’s messing it up and he doesn’t deserve Callum.

He feels a hand on the back of his head and for a moment he thinks Callum just wants him to look at him so he can shout some more.

But he doesn’t. He isn’t like that- Callum is good. Too good for him and he doesn’t know how he can keep him.

So he just buries his head in Callum’s shoulder for a moment. Just a moment, that’s all he needs. He just wants to pretend he can have this. Have something like this. That he isn’t screwing things up again as usual.

“Sorry” he chokes on a sob. It’s not enough and it will never be enough.

He lets himself stand there pressed against Callum’s shoulder and just breathe for a second. It feels like he’s stealing comfort he doesn’t deserve but he’s not strong enough to let go.

He needs to though.

He can’t make Callum stay just because he’s having a tantrum worse than Lexi when she can’t have a milkshake.

It hurts to pull himself away.

The look on Callum’s face destroys him. He looks broken, and Ben is doing this to him. He’s causing him all this pain and yet he can’t let him go.

He always has been selfish.

“Sorry. I’m sor— you should go. I’ll… _fuck,_ I don’t know. But I. You don’t have to stay” his voice probably sounds wrecked but he can’t hear it.

It’s like he’s waging a war with himself. Half of him wants to pull Callum close, and beg him not to leave. The other half wants to push Callum away and make sure that he doesn’t stick around just because he feels guilty.

That’s the last thing he would want.

Callum takes a step back from Ben and runs a hand over his face. He pulls his phone from his pocket and stares at the screen for a while, typing out a message.

He holds it out to Ben and he almost doesn’t want to read it.

_We can’t do this right now. We’re both too upset. Is your head bad again? What do you need?_

Callum is so considerate as he’s putting Ben’s needs before his own anger and feelings. It’s almost too much for him to take.

He closes his eyes trying to will himself to stop crying. It isn’t a good look and it won’t help convince Callum that he’s okay.

“’s fine. I’m fine. Just need a glass of water, tha’s all” he thinks his voice it as level as he can make it. He’s gotten used to pretending that everything is normal lately. He’s even fooled a few people who don’t know him.

The problem is Callum knows him. Too well.

Callum shakes his phone in front of him and it brings him back to the present. There’s a new message written and okay, he shouldn’t zone out like that. It probably doesn’t help.

_Don’t lie to me. Talk to me._

Don’t lie. Well fine, but where does he start? Should he tell him that his headache is worse now than it was a week ago? Should he tell Callum that he’s disgusted with himself for letting that man put a hand on him? Or should he start with saying how much he needs Callum but he doesn’t want to be a burden to him?

“Okay, let me—” he shrugs his coat off and lets it fall to the floor before sinking into one of the kitchen chairs.

He’s exhausted.

He rubs a hand over his forehead like that would somehow get rid of the ache. It doesn’t help but then again he didn’t really expect it to.

He keeps his eyes focused on the table in front of him. If he’s going to talk- to actually be brutally honest for once- he can’t look Callum in the eye.

If he doesn’t look at him then he can pretend he’s just thinking out loud.

“The ringing hasn’t gone away like I said it had. Nothing helps. Booze doesn’t help. Stealing that car didn’t help. It just makes the headache worse. I can’t get it to be quiet”

There’s no static noise following that so Callum hasn’t said anything. He’s probably just waiting for Ben to continue.

“When I was in that pub I didn’t really notice the guy at first. He was talking at me but I wasn’t interested. When he put his hand on my leg I knew what he was after. But I-” he swallows, wishing he knew what his own voice sounded like.

Did he sound like his usual self? Could Callum tell that he was being honest?

“It just made me feel sick. So I spotted his car keys and decided to get the hell outta there” he’s not sure how much more he should reveal. This is probably honest enough.

But fuck it. He might as well go all in.

“On the way to the station I thought I was going back to jail. I even thought about if I got killed in prison then at least it wouldn’t be me taking the cowards way out”

He looks up to make sure that Callum hasn’t just left when he’s been talking.

Callum looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Almost as if he didn’t actually expect Ben to tell him anything.

“I know I’m being a rubbish boyfriend. I can’t even be a functioning person right now, and I’m trying not to drag you down with me”

He closes his mouth before he can say anything else. Because he’s doing it again. He’s making it all about him as if Callum’s feelings and anger don’t matter.

He can’t get anything right and his head is pounding.

Callum digs through his own bag and gets out a familiar looking bottle, shaking out two pills and putting them on the table in front of Ben. He then goes to the cabinet and grabs a glass of water for him. The whole thing is surreal. It almost feels like the past five minutes didn’t happen- that Callum wasn’t shouting and about to leave him.

Ben takes the tablets because he doesn’t know what else to do. They should probably talk and see where they go from here, but he’s exhausted and he would end up telling Callum to leave.

It’s awkward for a moment as neither of them know where to go from here. Ben had expected Callum to leave and Callum had expected Ben to try and lie or just talk his way out of it. Maybe throw in a few insults as he tried to push Callum away.

Ben can’t take it any more and has to say something. “Tell me what you want.”

He’s got about five minutes before he really has to lay down and he wants to know if Callum will be a part of his plans.

If Callum will stay then his plans will equate to falling into Callum and letting him guide him upstairs to his room. If he wants to leave then his plans will look more like drag himself to the couch and feel like death whilst waiting for someone to come home and disturb him.

It takes a little longer this time for Callum to type out a message and hand his phone over.

_I just want you to be honest with me. I want to feel like I’m actually your boyfriend and not just another bloke you’re messing about with. I want you to stop pushing me away so I can help._

It’s a reasonable request. He just needs to stop putting up his walls and actually let Callum in. He hasn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time and he’s ended up messing it up by trying so hard not to mess it up.

“Help me upstairs?” This time there isn’t his usual smirk or wink at those words. He’s being sincere for once and actually asking Callum for help.

It’s something new he’s going to try.

Callum holds out his hand and Ben takes it, letting himself be pulled to his feet. He tries to let go but Ben shifts his hand so that their fingers interlock.

He’s going to hold onto this for as long as Callum will let him.


End file.
